If I had a world of my own

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-30T21:51:00

2009-12-31T02:51:57Z

i've done a big picture post for new years for the past 3 or 4 years, so i gotta keep the tradition.
2009....

new year's eve 2008:

LMFAO

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-30T21:08:00

2009-12-31T02:08:49Z

this month has been a total WHIRLWIND and i feel that i let myself get so out of control- but that’s what happens sometimes in life when you have a mind so full of whatever shit my mind is full of.

now that i am at this point, i am trying to learn the habits of detachment. this has been extremely hard. very many downs have graced my thoughts and i honestly can say that i have never, ever ever in my life experienced RAGE and REGRET before in my life, until these past couple of weeks.

i have never felt like such a weak person. i am not the kind of person who hides my feelings and how i feel about other people- this can be very good and very bad. i am an extrovert. i also do not like to be alone, and i think one of the only things i’m really good at is loving. not just people.. just.. loving things. but especially people.

i can honestly say that i’ve been in love a few times but none of them were so intense or real or actually like.. grown up as my love for thomas wilt. but he brought so much into my life, so much of everything good, that i held on too tight. and then i let myself go. i hurt someone emotionally for too long, and i got hurt emotionally in return.

this experience, although it may be over, has taught me so much. it has been hurting me-recently i have been so anxious that i can’t eat, see straight function. but that’s because i couldn’t let myself let go of hope. but you, thom, you are a wonderful and beautiful and amazing person. i know that you weren’t there for me during this, but that was better. it’s not all about my feelings. we deal with things in different ways, and i needed to give you your space. and even though this may be over- you let me talk to you on the phone- you let me cry and blabber and break down and you stayed on the phone until i could calm and laugh again.

i only feel warm, friendly thoughts for you. i still love you. and will continue to do so, until it fades enough to not be so noticeable. it’s going to be really difficult, but i’m getting there. i just feel so relieved right now. i feel like my heart was kind of put back together. i can get on with my break now. i can fill out that application tomorrow. i can do more scholarship searches. i can look at the bright side.

thank yous and kisses to all of the friends who have been so nice to me and i know that are there to talk to me- maddie, megan, hillary, meagan, kristin, kinsey, others- those of you who are understanding.. you are the reason that life can continue to be beautiful, even when “nothing gold can stay”

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-30T18:25:00

2009-12-30T23:25:18Z

i feel like a crazy person

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-26T19:09:00

2009-12-27T00:09:21Z

tomorrow will be good, and i will work towards the positive, and get things done and feel okay.
but for tonight im going to keep curling into fetal position and keep crying my eyes out because i don't think my body will let me do anything else

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-25T18:01:00

2009-12-25T23:01:34Z

"say yes"

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-22T20:07:00

2009-12-23T01:07:21Z

:/ heart break doesn't feel good, need more distractions. why don't you see that i made a mistake and it coulda kept being so good?

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-21T19:28:00

2009-12-22T00:28:25Z

stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

^ so embarrassing hahaha

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-16T16:53:00

2009-12-16T21:54:00Z

wow.. i can't even explain how different the last week-2 weeks have been. i don't even really want to.. i feel like it means more kept to myself and megan/maddie. but.. things are so overwhelming, but i think i'm doing okay with it. things that keep me down to earth/happy:

-yoga with maddie to rodney yee tapes. a perfect mixture of relaxing and hilarity- his penis is so HUGE and he wears a speedo. so distracting
-deciding to eat no meat unless it's organic. school nasty meat is all the meat i ever ate anyway- and since i quit, my body is thanking me. i feel so much better.
-listening to lately: matisyahu, regina(of course), sweater weather, beyonce, dead prez, clem snide
-taking runs
-wrapping christmas presents
-not texting you. you're done, anyway. i need to work on this one, though.
-my new friend cyle and his freestyles/raps :)
-being (sorda) susie homemaker-y. making some sweet stuff right now in the way of organic beauty products and tryna make some coconut shrimp tonight

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-12T12:17:00

2009-12-12T17:17:32Z

what am i getting myself into?

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-09T23:08:00

2009-12-10T04:08:11Z

well, i don't get enough sleep anymore anyway, so what's 10 more minutes.

it's hard to let go of someone when their day turns into yours, even if you don't see each other
when you keep barely a secret, except those most forever concealed for anyone but yourself from him.
or no secret at all.
it's hard to let go of someone when you care about his future almost more than your own, and during the night, you stay up thinking of ways to make his situation better.
it's hard to let go of someone when he could spend every day with you for months and months on end without hating (i didn't say being annoyed by) you.
it's hard to let go of someone when you know his sleeping patterns as well as your own.
when sleeping next to that someone is more natural than sleeping alone.
when it's okay to be in the same room when the other is peeing
when his phone number flies off of your fingers like a second nature, and if he doesn't pick up, it doesn't matter- you can keep calling and calling and calling until he does pick up, and even if the caller ID says your name 26 times, it's okay, and not creepy.
it's hard to let go of someone when you've seen him at his absolute worst, and you've held him close through nights of agony that he wouldn't show anyone else
when you can't imagine what it's like to kiss anyone else, and you're nervous that if the situation arrived, you wouldn't know what to do, and you could possibly even make the biggest fool of yourself just by trying.
and it's especially hard to let go of someone if you don't know if it's really right to let go-
because all of these things ensure trust- trust, like the game where you fall backwards, knowing your friend will catch you up in their arms. but what if s/he were to let go-you would fall to the ground and the whole point of the game would be spoiled. breaking trust is possibly the worst thing you could do to a person, emotionally.

i can fill my head up with thoughts of others- i really can. or even more selfishly, thoughts of myself.
but i don't know if it's right to really, actually give up. let it pass/let it be/be young or take more action, keep trying, and keep the trust?

----------

Folding clothes,
I think of folding you
into my life.

Our king-sized sheets
like tablecloths
for the banquets of giants,

pillowcases, despite so many
washings, seems still
holding our dreams.

Towels patterned orange and green,
flowered pink and lavender,
gaudy, bought on sale,

reserved, we said, for the beach,
refusing, even after years,
to bleach into respectability.

So many shirts and skirts and pants
recycling week after week, head over heels
recapitulating themselves.

All those wrinkles
To be smoothed, or else
ignored; they're in style.

Myriad uncoupled socks
which went paired into the foam
like those creatures in the ark.

And what's shrunk
is tough to discard
even for Goodwill.

In pockets, surprises:
forgotten matches,
lost screws clinking the drain;

well-washed dollars, legal tender
for all debts public and private,
intact despite agitation;

and, gleaming in the maelstrom,
one bright dime,
broken necklace of good gold

you brought from Kuwait,
the strangely tailored shirt
left by a former lover…

If you were to leave me,
if I were to fold
only my own clothes,

the convexes and concaves
of my blouses, panties, stockings, bras
turned upon themselves,

a mountain of unsorted wash
could not fill
the empty side of the bed

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-07T20:18:00

2009-12-08T01:18:22Z

today i went to school, didn't pay attention, and then tutored a 9th grade boy in english. so glad this day is over. going shopping with dad now for mom's christmas things...
i'm a mess. and i have goals, and want them, and i'm afraid to fail. and i'm tired of gossip.. everyone just GROW UP.

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-03T19:56:00

2009-12-04T00:56:30Z

i just know i belong living somewhere in south or central america.. birthplaces of all my favorite books, movies, foods, music, language..
can't wait for college when i get to do study abroad

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-03T16:44:00

2009-12-03T21:44:29Z

various emotions swish swooshin around in my head as of late
-lonely
-sad
-excited
-nervous
-content
-antsy
-miss
-hesitant

and that's just today

icedteafaith @ 2009-12-02T17:38:00

2009-12-02T22:38:59Z

need help with christmas shopping for a parent/grandma/sibling/friend/yourself/anyone?
because my mom is makin' tons of pottery right now, and it's all for sale! it's all really awesome/beautiful/100 percent homemade/wedged/spun/fired annnnd microwave/dishwasher safe! i could get ya a discount too. and i can do custom things, or even carve stuff into them (for example, megan's parents are getting a sugar bowl for christmas that says "you're my sugar"

examples:

shot glasses

icedteafaith @ 2009-11-30T15:50:00

2009-11-30T20:50:47Z

ughh look at this little cute butt

we are doing well.. things feel back to normal with us. for real, and finally.

SEEING THIS PIXIES TONIGHT WITH MY BEST FRIEND
goucher visit on saturday!
lots of homework to catch up on. okay, go!

icedteafaith @ 2009-11-29T21:13:00

2009-11-30T02:13:50Z

School tomorrow... which sucks, but I also really don't mind, because at least I'll feel more productive.

Break wasn't too bad. I got sushi with extra extra ginger for dinner twoooo nights in a row! and waffle house! and i got to see some friends, and i spent a night with melissa.
I saw Paul for a minute in town and it made me miss his friendship so much. We really haven't been close since 9th grade, and I miss when we were. I miss a whole boatload of old friends.
So my boy John Link has a new woman, and she's really smart and pretty and she makes him very happy and thinking about that is putting me in a good mood. :).
I suppose I should start getting christmas things out of the way. 'tis the season, since thanksgiving is over. haha. Today my Dad let me buy the baby pink doc martens and vicky christine barcelona AND a really pretty new journal. I really can't wait to start keeping a journal again, because i constantly have things running through my head that I would love to write down, but don't have a nice place to put it.
I miss having the studio... I miss selling pretty things, and taking old time photos of bossy assholes.. and amazing wonderful interesting strangers.
I miss having income. buhh.

icedteafaith @ 2009-11-29T11:36:00

2009-11-29T16:36:35Z

where did my motivation (to do anything except lay in bed, eating junk food and listening to the transplants) go?

icedteafaith @ 2009-11-24T23:38:00

2009-11-25T04:38:38Z

o by the by
has anybody seen
little you-i
who stood on a green
hill and threw
his wish at blue

with a swoop and a dart
out flew his wish
(it dived like a fish
but it climbed like a dream)
throbbing like a heart
singing like a flame

blue took it my
far beyond far
and high beyond high
bluer took it your
but bluest took it our
away beyond where

what wonderful thing
is the end of a string
(murmers little you-i
as the hill becomes nil)
and will somebody tell
me why people let go

icedteafaith @ 2009-11-05T17:11:00

2009-11-05T22:19:04Z

weird week. don't even know what to say about it, really.
but today was good. school was fine, nhs was cute, there's still halloween candy left for my sweet tooth as of late...
and tomorrow i will go somewhere i've never been with someone who i lovelovelove.
thom is taking me to upstate new york to the onondaga and oneida reservations to meet his family. and i get to see wittle georgeeeee <3

i miss my friends. i'm glad the holiday season is approaching, because it means i get breaks from school. which means i get a lot more time with friends that i've been drifting from :C and time with other people to even further solidify our relationships. yay<3
much to look forward too and also MUCH to get done. keep workin on those to do lists, girl!

icedteafaith @ 2009-11-03T07:53:00

2009-11-03T12:53:39Z

4 steps to a minimalist lifestyle:

Wake up early and eat breakfast. Waking before everyone else allows you to organize your thoughts and most importantly BREATHE. When you are not stressed trying to get ready for your day, you are able to focus on preparing a positive day. Eating breakfast is monumental to having the necessary energy to be positive and productive.

Smile and say ‘No Worries’ all day. Making yourself smile may be annoying, but the more you develop this positive habit, the brighter you will view your day. Try saying ‘No Worries’ to any shortfall or downsize. The less you stress about all the problems you could stress about, the happier you will be. Minimalize gloom and stress and your day will be on the right path.

Don’t buy anything. Make your meals and snacks. Don’t shop online. Don’t buy anything on your route to and from anywhere. Try limiting your purchase or spending days to twice a week. You will live a healthier and budget-friendly life this way.

Enjoy silence. Take a stroll through the park after dinner. Sit on the porch watching the sunset. Do something that involves peace and no technology. Taking this moment at the end of the day to enjoy your surroundings improves your thought process for improving your life.

icedteafaith @ 2009-11-02T19:33:00

2009-11-03T00:41:26Z

i wishhh for

this journal:

these boots

icedteafaith @ 2009-10-27T18:05:00

2009-10-27T22:07:16Z

bluhh.
thom working every day of the week means i ride the bus home every day of the week.
i need my licenseee
i need my dad to take me to get itttt
i feel like im still in 10th grade.

but even then, i prob wont even be able to use the car to go to school anyway.
im very happy that thom has that job but it sucks to only be able to see him on sundays. and select saturdays.

icedteafaith @ 2009-10-25T12:05:00

2009-10-25T16:10:39Z

sunday mornings spent rolling around in bed with the curtains half open/half closed so there's just enough sunlight with my boyfriend and breakfast and powdered cappuccino and npr's "this american life" are the way to go.
yaaawwwn. seriously, the easy life is the life for me. the hustle and bustle of going for it, the american argument culture, the competition... it's all fun and whatnotttt... but i'm much happier right now.
this weekend was really, really good even though a LOT of bullshit went down.. but i'm priding myself in being mature and keeping my composure and making the best out of it.
yesterday i played the funnest game of pictionary with megan, tyler and thom. turns out tyler and thom were cheating the WHOLE TIME. but megan and i are the real champs.

buhhh love this girl
she get's me.

haha i've been reading mrs. chamber's novels because i was curious and they are awesome. seriously.
i'm really excited for my art show/el dia de los muertos with costumes party on nov 7th. everyone come!
okay, after this week, it's time to keep on gettin shit done. oh well!

icedteafaith @ 2009-10-23T06:33:00

2009-10-23T10:34:12Z

i love you, and i'm going to be a big girl and get out of my slump- for both of us. no more being a brat. because i realized this is what i really, really want.

icedteafaith @ 2009-10-20T20:17:00

2009-10-21T00:18:11Z

well.

i need a fresh start.
or an end?
a happy medium? i don't know if there is such a thing in this situations

what a wonderful thing is the end of a string
or
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone